21/07/24 - I'm changing and I might be afraid of it
uhhhhhh... as you have noticed, today's text will be a bit personal and I will probably mess it because my feelings are being discussed here.But that's it, I'm changing, just as every thing that's on life, alive or still; and I don't know how to see it. I came to notice this two weeks ago when I was creating my university scenarios, and noticed how the actions that I would do in these situations weren't very recognizable with who I was. After that, I just started to notice even more on my daily life with the way that I think and face things.And now there's a question that I don't know how to answer: if I changed for better or for worse. This year is being harsh to me, my insecurities got more clear to me, anxieties started to show and I'm living in a completely different environment that is making me feel inferior. How I changed is just a reaction to everything, i feel like I became more uncertain of my potential as an individual for others, more afraid of knowing new people and more detatched from some groups that used to be ok for me.I don't want to blame me for this, I'm tired of people in the end telling me that the sadness that I'm living is basically my responsability (since it's rude to say that it's my fault), that I should be more sociable and less afraid of talking to people. This ain't normal, It's getting harder to see me in the places that I pass by, at the same time, I feel like I got so delusioned with people and the attempts in making friends that I don't have the will to do anything right now, waiting for some opportunity fall from the sky is easier, much easier than feeling like shit everytime I step on those halls and see all those stupid students living their stupid little lives. Acting as they don't know what is like to feel as your existence carries no importance to anyone and the thoughts of fantasizing the day of your death just so you can cope thinking about your impact in everyone that you met.Every day feels like the same, as time passes by, it gets more unbearable to feel the hollowness in my heart. Nobody deserves to feel like this, nobody deserves to be lonely. I should be grateful for what I have, but I can't unless I'm satisfied, and I'm not.
14/07/24 - Akiba Maid War
Today's entry will be a review about the anime "Akiba Maid War", which I just finished a few hours ago.Akiba Maid War is an action and comedy anime aired in 2022, with 12 episodes and a concluded story. The synopsis consists in the situation and new life of a girl named Nagomi, who just got hired by a maid café in Akihabara district, being amazed by the cuteness and duty of maids just to find out that she got into a highly violent and corrupt entertainment industry.
Possible spoilers for the first episode ahead, read by your own risk!Right on the first episode, Nagomi has contact with the industry that awaits for her, unable to pay for the protection money of the café, her manager sends her to a suicide mission along with another maid who just got hired too, named ranko (best maid ever S2). The thing here is: Ranko knows how to fight and the end of the first episode results in a shooting scene against maids from a rival company. I was amazed by this scene since it is synced with a cute maid song that follows it along with shooting movements that reference wotagei (a dance made with lightsticks, apparently common in idol concerts and especific maid events).
Well, I don't know if anyone can understand this, but when seeing any kind of entertainment product that is clearly a play (take the idol industry for example), I always feel that there is some kind of dispair and horror inside it, and this episode translated so well for me.For the next episodes, it focus on the charismatic maids from Nagomi's café being put in every kind of situation, going from gambling to betting your organs in hope that your coworker wins a fight, celebrating a birthday and being trained by your own company. However, for the second half of this anime, things get more serious and the story starts to develop itself (except for a baseball episode, that's a classic filler in anime), the relationship between companies and its maids gets shown more often for us along with the discussion of what it means to be a maid on an environment like that, which I found interesting, and the show of some character background, specially for Ranko.I won't be spoiling things but I will write a bit about the last episode, which has a nice ending to the story, making us being able to have a smile after being heartbroken by the events from episodes 11 and 12 (watch the post-credits scene!). At the same time, it made me very satisfied with the way it closes everything, episode 12 is really great in my opinion and even with its simplicity on its production, was touching for someone like me who took a liking to the main cast.In conclusion, I positively reccomend this anime, I know it can't be everyone's cup of tea since it's humor is more about how absurd the situations shown get than the use of jokes and the break of expectation that we are all used to; in addition with the dark themes and violence that is put in a concept known for its cuteness and image of purity, but it was enjoyable for me, the story pace is fair and well put for a 12-episode anime.That's it for today! Remember that sometimes being a maid might not be only about serving and moe moe kyun!!
29/06/24 - First semester recap
I got pretty inactive from here but in my defense.. I forgot about neocities for a while. Like, I got too distracted with college stuff, my daily life and also got busy with the idea of revamping my site (still haven't concluded but I hope to get it done until the end of July).My life on these last months has been some kind of a rollercoaster, I couldn't make any friends on my 4 months of first semester, going every night to class and noticing everybody befriending each other was depressing for someone with zero self confidence in social skills as me, but at least I still get reeeally happy when I'm able to hang out with my friends from high school. During this period I also joined the Athletic Association of my course and a few days ago me and my area director we talked for some minutes just to find out that she faced the same shit as me on her first year, she promised to help me with my problems and this made me hopeful for next semester.During this time I also moved to a new apartament, it's smaller but very comfy imo, me and my mom we still haven't settled everything but I'm enjoying a lot the neighbourhood, where I lived was too busy and wasn't good to take walks, but here is calmer and near a park, it's great! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و And the highest point of the semester in my opinion is that I bought tickets to see Spiritbox live!!! They'll be opening for Bring Me the Horizon along with The Plot In You and Motionless In White, I'm really excited and can't wait until the end of november to see them!!! It also makes me kind of nervous since it's my first time going to a concert in another city, but I believe it's going to be okay since my bf will be going with me.And lastly, I'm having classes to get a driver's license, driving it's pretty chaotic in my opinion and is enjoyable at the same time, I'm getting confident at my skills and hope I can be approved on my final test.Well, that was it, I always get absent from here for a long time against my intentions, but I hope that after the necessary changes on my site I get more active, Neocities always made me confortable and expressive about my interests and who I am!
08/03/24 - A sign of Life
It's been a week or so since I came back from my trip to Italy, all I can say about it is that the food was great, because handling with some relatives of mine for two weeks can be a real pain in the ass.My college classes already started and at first I felt a bit excluded from everyone since I lost all days of the reception week for freshmen, but at my first day some girls invited me to join their group (since the majority of my class is composed by men) and I chat a bit with them every day before classes and during breaks, I'm still a bit insecure about friendships since I'm dumb and get hurt by all the shit that happened to me in 2020 and 2023, but I'll try to get more confident.And since I came back, I got to practice guitar daily and this is making me so happy!! I really missed enjoying a hobby and I hope I can have a huge improvement until the end of the year! But for now, I'll keep my practice schedule. This was a really small entry for me, but while writing I noticed how much I missed being here, I should remember to be here in a more regular basis.
07/01/24 - Unboxing gifts and feeling like a blogger
Because of how busy I was during November and December, i ended up forgetting to order or ask for any christmas gift and just ordered mine few days before holidays, but they both arrived after I came back home from my travel, so it's alright. I also wanted to write about them just for the sake of having content and sharing my happiness over material things, so I will be feeling like a blogger today!
I'm trying to make buying k-pop albums as a end-of-the-year tradition, I bought NCT 127's debut album two years ago and this year I decided to buy Red Velvet's "Chill Kill", I already wrote about how much I enjoyed this album at my music log section, and I wanted to take the opportunity of being able to buy something from this group since some albums are kind of hard to find (But apparently they started to get easier to buy? Idk, but if so, good for them).
The cover is very pretty, I was expecting the album to be as a box, not as a magazine, but later I found out that there were other versions and I bought the photobook ver., but that is not a problem for me.
I had a hard time recognizing each member on the pictures since this album's concept is more focused in them as sisters, so they were made to be looking the same. I used to easily recognize Wendy in group pictures but here I didn't even know where she was, but it seems like I'm already identifying Irene and Seulgi, I think I should train more haha, from what I've searched, I got Irene's photocard, Seulgi's postcard and a poster of Irene and Wendy.
And after years of wishing for one, I finally bought an ita bag!! It looks smaller than it was presented on the store's pictures and the colors are a bit more saturated than promised, but at least the measures they informed were right. At first, I thought it was too small, but later I realised that it was fitting for my low quantity of bottoms and pins.
I'm not hyperfixated enough in a charcter at the point of dedicating an ita bag just for them, so I just put what I already had, and I learned that decorating is a bit hard, but fun! Coincidently, most of what I have can harmonize at least a bit with the bag's colors, it took me half an hour to finally come up with the final layout, it is too simple atm, but I'm searching for inspirations and how other people decorate, and now I'm willing to buy things such as small pompons and chains, cards and maybe even a plushie keychain! Buying at Etsy isn't worth for me since converting from dollars to BRL + shipping and taxes make things too expensive, so I hope that in this year I can go to many cons just to buy from artists' alley.
And here's my before and after! It isn't perfect, but I'm willing to get better at this :)
Mega Charizard, Mega Lucario and Honoka pins are oficial merch
Gengar pin by Akamedoodles
Phosphophyllite bottom by Theorbitart
Pin above Phos bottom by Kiraisuki
Josuke pin by Radice.art
02/01/24 - New year new meee :3
Came back home a few hours ago so happy new year for y'all!!!!2023 was kind of freaky but had good parts that were memorable, I guess I can say it was a fun year, saw many artists live, created my own site here, met new people, returned to cosplaying after 3 years without motivation and most important, I made great steps in becoming a better person for me and others.Honestly, I don't have many significant resolutions for this year besides seeing Sepultura live for the last time, since they are disbanding and are going on a farewell tour. I had the opportunity to see them live at my hometown last year and it was amazing, great sound quality, good use of light effects and good musicians, besides playing songs that I like hehe. Meanwhile, most of my other resolutions consist in just becoming better at hobbies and as a person, at least I have something cool and different to go for!Well, I'm optimistic for this year, all I have to keep in mind is that not everything that happens to me is under my control, I just need to do my best whatever happens.
I wish i could have written more here, but it's alright.
18/12/23 - A Life Update
Today was my last day of entrance exams, everything is finally over, I just need to wait for the announcement of results in January, but, for now, I'll just chill the best I can. I might be a bit too tired to write right now since I just finished my last test some hours ago and spent the rest of the day with my friends, but I don't care, I missed writing here. In this time that I haven't posted anything, life gave me its ups and downs, going to therapy is being good to help me with becoming a better person, even though sometimes I'm afraid I'll stay at the same place; I'm almost getting a boyfriend, which is cool, and I'm riding a rollercoaster between willing to keep the relationships that I formed over these three years of high school and just giving up at everything because I'm just used to the abandonment and feel like something is missing when I compare myself to others.
During this time, I also learned how to torrent! Since then, I started to play more games, I downloaded Guilty Gear: Strive and honestly I don't know if I like fighting games or just don't care, but I'm enjoying even when I'm losing and when I refuse to learn all those combos and techniques that I think that are unecessary to the real fun (smashing all buttons), I'm playing as Bridget and Testament and I'm planning to start playing Guilty Gear Xrd after I learn how to play as Giovanna, I'm interested in knowing more about GG's story and worldbuilding and hope to keep playing the games of this franchise!
At the moment I'm also playing a Katamary Damacy remaster and it's just so much fun, it's so absurd and charismatic, one of my favourite discoveries of the year. I don't know if I will have enough time to play everything on my wishlist, but I hope I can start Devil May Cry and get all achievements in Persona 4, Bayonetta and maybe Danganronpa 2 if I have enough patience. Well, I think that's enough for today, I was expecting to write something bigger but I'm still happy knowing that now I can use my free time, I will be giving a new chance to the gym tomorrow and will resume my guitar practice that was paused for months. I don't know what to expect for next year, 2023 was already kind of crazy for me, maybe positively, but I will be brightly waiting for next year.
04/10/23 - Still alive
School and studies are still taking most of my free time, but I missed writing something here so maybe I'll just give an update on how my life is going, even if it's not a long and good text.
After having at least one moment of sadness during my four days of holiday last month, I decided to gather a bit of courage to ask my mother for help, she found a psychologist and I only had one meeting with her, she wasn't the type of people that I would totally feel a comfortable bond to show every thought and fragility, so I'm trying to find another one rn, my friend sent me the number of a woman and now I'm trying to see when can I schedule a meeting with her, I hope things go right.Last month was terrible for my mental health, this one started alright and I hope things keep this way, I may at least one time a day be feeling lonely and emotionally worthless, but with the upcoming exams I'm distracting myself a little, I'm a bit afraid of failing but it's not a huge worry at the moment. Let's see what future holds for me.
07/09/23
I'm a bit emotional rn so keep in mind that this is going to be exaggerated. But holy shit, I'm once again sad after going to the gym, it doesn't even make sense.My self-steem declined so badly since July, I wasn't like this in the beginning of the year, what happened? Why? Even by having wonderful people who I love around me, I feel so fucking alone, I'm no longer a friend to the only person who I used to vent everything, and I didn't find anyone who could substitute them. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm so forgettable and stupid, I shouldn't even be surprised to see nobody keeping in touch with me during holidays and weekends, I'm so afraid, really afraid of finding out what people say about me by my back, I think everybody hates me, I'm so desperate for love and approval from others but it's just useless when I can't even have a bit from myself.Yeah I should seek for help, I really wish I could, but it was such an effort to say these words to my mother just so she could schedule a metting with someone who wasn't even a specialist in mental health, after that I just gave up, it was so frustrating and I clearly said what I wanted. So now I'm just trying to endure and see how much I can take it, sometimes I think about going crazy and tell something extremely serious like considering suicide just to see if she can at least do something. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I'm really greatful for everything that she has done, but holy shit if she did things right I wouldn't be like this now.
But even if she marked a metting for me, I'm so afraid of thinking how much bullshit my father would say about it, he seems to be the one who looks down on all this mental health stuff when in reality he's the one who needs it the most, I have been so afraid of his view of me since the beginning.Even by wishing I could find ways to get better, I wonder for how much time will I be waiting for some miracle, I don't have the courage to go there and do my part in solving the problem, it's starting to get ridiculous to decide to not take any action.
16/08/23 - Epifania
Taking a day off today, thank god.
Recently I don't know what happened, but I started to get so amazed with other people's sites, I love to see them putting their heart to create their own little space in the middle of the internet, I didn't have much contact with blogs when they were popular online, so since I created an account here I got very entertained seeing what can be done in a site, which makes me very pumped up to decorate my blog more ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆, but I'll have to wait a bit until I get less busy.I hope I can use my free time in the future to improve my coding skills, from the little of what I've learned about Javascript, I deadly hated it, but learning might help me to update this site so maybe I should face it.
I don't know when I will be able to do it, but I plan on adding a guestbook, an imood, a section to share my music collection, decorate my site more (it still looks with no personality) and maybe even create an email exclusively for writing for other people interested in becoming pen pals! But for now, this will have to wait, I'm a bit nervous w my future tests and I want to study as much as posible so I can pass with no problems!
04/08/23 - Tô Cansado
De vez em quando eu fico assim, e aqui estou mais uma vez.
Tô cansado de achar que tem algo de errado comigo por algo tão pequeno, que eu ser quem eu sou é errado, é inferior, é patético. Não aguento mais me sentir na obrigação de encontrar alguma relação -seja de grande ou curta duração- e que só assim eu vou resolver meus problemas de autoestima e autoaceitação, de me achar horroroso pros outros por não gostar de me sujeitar a virar uma cópia, mesmo eu não tendo problema comigo. Não aguento mais sentir que não ter tanta afinidade com a ideia de sexo é uma grande aberração de quem eu sou, pelo amor de Deus eu especialmente não aguento mais sentir isso, tô cansado de me ver no dever de fazer, buscar ou ter isso e aquilo, de me ver distante de todo mundo pelas diferenças, não quero mais ver as outras pessoas fazendo o que inevitavelmente vai me botar numa pressão social fudida.
31/07/23
Haaaai :3 got a bit inactive in the past few days bc I had to travel to celebrate a relative's birthday and visit a near university.
Just writing a bit to warn that I might also be a bit inactive til the end of the year because I'll have to study for entrance exams (I'll have to read 20 books in 3 months, help), but I will still be writing whenever I want and it's possible.
22/07/23 - Getting through loneliness
I wanted to write this at a moment when these feelings were stronger, but I'm in the mood for writing in english lol.
Since when I was having online classes bc of the pandemic, I started to notice how my actions were responsible for my feeling of loneliness, when everybody was at their homes I noticed how I couldn't keep in touch with anyone who I used to talk to on a daily basis.
Since I finished Va-11 Hall-a this week, there was a scene that lived rent free on my mind, where the protagonist tells her coworker to open himself more to others so this could make him an easier person to approach. Additionally, I remember that this was once said to me last year, that time I paid no mind for it, but now that I'm thinking... maybe if I didn't wait for others to open up for me first, I wouldn't feel bad when I see someone becoming friends in months with a person that I've been trying for two years, I would have others to keep in touch and talk during these times when I don't have to compulsorily see them, I wouldn't meet people already thinking of the day when we will say goodbye because of how insignificant was my presence for them.
Yea, I should try opening up more for others instead of waiting for them to do this first, but I don't know, it feels kind of late to try to take some action, it looks like the groups are already formed and entering in one would make me feel as misfit and forgettable as others did, but maybe next year in another place I could try to meet people that make me want to open myself up, so I could start to learn, just like when I learned how to apologize after so many years without knowing how to bc of my family.
Idk, human relationships are just so hard to understand and mantain.
20/07/23 - A big text about my fav game!
If you are familiar with Va-11 Hall-A, you might have noticed that this site is themed from this game! For those who have no idea, Va-11 Hall-A is a cyberpunk visual novel about the life of a bartender named Jill (the girl on the right) and the clients that stumble across the bar where she works at.
(just giving a quick warning that this will be a completely unorganized text since I might get a bit too excited talking about it)This is a game that caught my attention since I started to use the internet more often, one day I came across the app danger/u/ and later found out that it was related to a game, I immediatly fell in love with the visuals, but only a few years later I would be able to play it since I didn't have a computer by that time. I first beat the game in 2020 and would only play it again this year (between these years I got rlly uninterested in videogames T-T) and I just beat it a few hours ago! This time I played with a guide so I got some other endings! but enough w talking about me, let's talk about the game!
The gameplay is mostly serving drinks to clients and reading them talking about their lives or the city where they are, which might be boring for those who like some action, everything is kind of calm besides in the last week of the game when there's an event that's really important to Jill's character, but I won't spoil it for you, hehe. But seriously, the way Jill dealt with her past made me finish the game with a smile on the face :)Since I watched trigun, I became interested in worldbuilding in media, and Va-11 Hall-a does a great job in my opinion, in a dystopian environment where people and machines live together, there's a lot to be discussed, and I really liked to play and see the characters chatting with the protag as you get knowledge about how that world works, what are the problems and technologies there, there's also a message board, an online newspaper and a celebrity's blog that get updated from time to time. From what I've read, this chaotic and dystopian world was inspired by the lives of the developers in Venezuela.The characters are very charismatic! There are humans, robots, detectives, guards, hackers, and even dogs that interact w you! Some have their own endings which can be led by the drinks that you serve, so stay tuned!(I just wish Gil had his own ending too T-T i liked him a lot and wanted to know more abt him). I also liked Jill a lot more this time than on my first time playing, maybe because I got older haha, what I like in her as a protagonist is that she is rational enough to calm down in some parts of the game and deal with clients, also you can see a sweeter side of her besides she looking kind of tough.There isn't much I can say about the soundtrack besides being a banger, the songs are really enjoyable!
Thanks for reading until here! I hope this bunch of unorganized words and letters distracted you a bit.
17/07/23
Yesterday me and some friends who were in a band for a cover competition lost, we were good, the other bands were too, maybe the judges didn't like us because we played metal XD
But who cares? We just accepted our defeat and went to a bar to celebrate and see a friend of ours playing in a tribute band to sepultura with another two tribute bands.
In the breaks between the bands only Korn songs were being played on the speakers for some reason, I was singing along to those that i knew and i don't know exactly what made me feel so much joy while singing a.d.i.d.a.s. for a friend, I guess it was a feeling of relaxation which led me to happiness, I was in a bar that i like seeing bands that i like with people that like me while listening to songs i like, maybe it was this too.
After some terrible days in the begining of this month I'm just so glad to be feeling something like this.
15/07/23
Went to the gym today since I woke up in the mood, but idk, wasn't I supposed to be happier after that? With the production of dopamine and everything?
It's nothing new from what I have been feeling since the beginning of this month. What is love? What is forgiveness? Have i really felt these feelings in a genuine way? Sometimes I get too lost in my thoughts and all I can remember are my mistakes and how I hurted others in some way, but what bothers me is how they could forgive me after all the shit I have done, how they decided to give me a new chance to start over.
I'm still on my journey to find a bit of love for myself and understand what others feel about me and why I can't comprehend, maybe I will get the answer for this question in the way.